(A devotional fashioned
with Psalms 30)
Whew! This girl has
been through! I’m talking about having her fair share of struggles even before
coming to know Christ. From losing loved ones, to dead-end “relationships”
(according to this world’s definition) to undergoing a complete transformation
of life goals in coming to know Christ. Talk about journey!
But even as I choose to
stay thankful for these experiences, sometimes keeping the lesson and shaking it
loose from the heart’s hard drive (memory) is difficult- especially when its
roots run deep because of an unconscious decision to hold onto it.
In my case, one of
these unforgetful moments was the death of my mother. Firstly, it is already unfathomable
as to how any child would feel losing a parent with whom he/she was particularly
close. Secondly, it is even worse losing a parent at a young and influential age
(for me- 16 years). To this day, I have concluded that no break-up, betrayal or
any other pain for that matter could have exceeded that loss I had suffered- a
pain that took me 8 years to finally begin
overcoming. As far as I was concerned- I had been through the worst that there was
and anything that followed could not do deeper destruction. Much like shooting
against a steel vest (think Superman): the bullets could touch me and I may get
bruised from the impact but I could still stand strong after a minor stumble.
It was definitely a
dark moment in my life! It felt like there was a dark cloud passing overhead in
the months leading to the Friday night of February 29, 2004, and it suddenly
hovered over me- forever- incessantly “raining on my parade.” The tears that
followed were inconsolable. There were random nights of turning into my pillow
to shed tears, that were welled up inside.
Tears………….. of
disappointment of how I wished that I had been a better daughter.
Tears………….. of wishing
that she was still here to answer my insurmountable list of questions, from
understanding where I came from to sharing those woman-to-woman conversations
that only a mother and daughter could share.
Tears………… of thinking
that things could have been better if I had found Christ at an earlier age.
Tears………… at the
realization that it was all just a dream
On countless occasions,
God had shown me the many blessings deriving from that one “encounter” but it
still proved insufficient to permit the healing that God wanted to offer me.
Yes, He had held my hand through the weeping times but my heart had been so
heavy that I did not want him to remove the weight (maybe out of the fear of the infliction of more pain).
Until that fateful and
joyful day……….. where I had to make the final decision to terminate this
darkness once and for all in order to allow the light and glory of God to
dominate my being entirely. Thankfully,
the decision was an easy one to trade-in the gloomy days (and nights) for. I no
longer wanted to reach out with only one hand (whilst the other hand bore a
weight that pinned it down, locking me on one spot and hindering my ability to
move forward). I now wanted to reach out fully, hands cupped and outstretched,
anxiously willing to accept all that God had/has in store for me. I was hungry,
thirsty and He, His will was all I desired. The well inside ran and continues
to run deep. I wanted His peace to overpower me, clothe me and His joy to
radiate in my heart. And I got it. I received it. I desired it and claimed it.
And it is Him, His joy, fruit of His Spirit, His promise, His peace that drives
me to this day- even in the days when the outer world, the physical seems to portray
a story contrary to His word. Being in Him means everything to me. His
testimonies in my life are enough to give me hope that I can be all that He
says I can be- in spite of my imperfections. And whilst He is still working on
me, He gives me the encouragement to keep tarrying through, no matter how hard
it seems or how small I sometimes see myself.
Decision
Day… Lessons Concluded
In the midst of my
deliverance and transition from mourning to dancing, God put so many things
into perspective. He had a purpose that I had and have to fulfill and the
effect of my mother’s death was lingering, thereby hindering ability to move
forward. I became a prisoner of my circumstances and the shackles held me down firmly,
sucking me into a vacuum that would eventually take me through death’s door
sooner than God’s appointed time. To add salt on an already open wound, that
death would not bring me into the place I wanted to go…. before my Savior on
His throne. Instead, I would end up in that place which proves my salvation
worthless- hell. Sadly, I kept looking at the rearview mirror whilst God was
calling me to focus forwardly.
Reason being, the
spirit of mourning or grief (Joyce Meyer speaks about it here) brings depression
leading gradually to suicidal thoughts and (unfortunately for some) to the
actual committing of the act.
I knew and know that I
wanted NOTHING to do with that. I had seen too many lives cut short without
realization of a God-driven destiny or without accepting Christ and His gift of
salvation. I wanted out! And I gladly (and painfully) took God’s hand when He
reached out for mine and delivered me out of my pit. (Psalms 30:3)
Now I can dance with a
song in my heart,
Sway to the beat of His
drum,
Be filled with His
Spirit and eat of His fruit
Truly saying “He has
done a great work in me, and is faithful to complete it”
The move of feet and lifting
of my hands is simply a small testimony of a love that was once cordoned off that
is now released and restored
My dance is new and I
move only for Him, in Him
And this is my
declaration for the rest of my life
(Forever thankful for
His patience, grace and mercy)
God is faithful! He
wants to heal you today….. Question is: “How bad do you want it?”
Click here to listen to
Kevin Davidson & The Voices- God Wants to Heal You
